Friday, December 29, 2006

this and that and 3 crappy comix

the work year is over and i managed to do something i have never done before - i actually carried over some vacation time from this year to next year. Somehow I managed to not use 1 hour of vacation and will have the pleasure of 3 weeks and one hour of vacation time in 2007, instead of merely 3 weeks.
Andrew Patrick now has his own blog and it is a lot of fun to look at. if you look closely, you may see some of the familiar faces you see here at scrapple dog.
Christmas Day at Mom & Dad's house was awesome. Instead of giving a detailed description of everything that went on, i have decided to just throw out the following words:
Cheesy Potatoes.
Tigger Fishing Rod.
Le Cruset Pot
Swiss Army Watch.
Dad's Home-made Hot Sauce.
The Eagles Rule.
The new beck cd rules. It is reminiscent of Odelay and I find it more enjoyable than Midnight Vultures and Guero (i never really was all that nuts for Guero). I think Mutations and Odelay are still his best two "popular" albums. And One Foot In The Grave is still his best album. Stereopathetic SoulMaure still has the best name but is not his best album.
And to anyone who confuses Beck with Jeff Beck, let me say this - Jeff Beck sucks. I don't care if he was in the Yardbirds... the only decent member of the Yardbirds was Jimmy Page... you all know that Eric Clapton never did anything original - NEVER. He made millions ripping off the poor black musicians of the deep-south and then ripped off George Harrison. Screw Clapton.
We hung out with the Zecchinellis and Steiners on Dec 26 and a good time was had by all. It was great to see Jason and Fiona was super excited about seeing Kellen.
somthing funny that was put into the Michael P. Holland lexicon a few days before Christmas was saying "nothing says 'blessed be the Christ child like ..... "
Examples: Amy said "I'm hungry." Then I said "How about Burger King... Nothing says 'blessed be the Christ child like a Bacon-Double Cheeseburger."
or: Mom Z says: "What's on tv?" And I say "Nothing says 'blessed be the Christ Child' like a little Law and Order:SVU."
Also, you don't actually have to say it out loud... you can just think it. Like when I went outside to have a ciggie on Christmas Eve. I thought, "Nothing says "blessed be the Christ Child' like a nice Camel Light."
now: 3 unfunny comix. All three are TRUE STORIES!!
Zonenbrilla involves a young woman i work with.
Teamwork involves two women i work with and Blythe's response to their 'comversaion.'
Beach is just not funny.

this comic is also reminiscent of when Dritsas came to visit me in Vermont and was wearing a black leather jacket and i asked him if he got it at Donny Brosco's Garage Sale.





all right.



peace. see you in 2007.















Monday, December 25, 2006

MERRY CHRISTMAS






Merry Christmas!!

So far we are having a wonderful Christmas Day. We got up around 7:00 and went downstairs to see what Santa Claus brought for Fiona.

Fiona was very happy with all the loot under the tree.

Santa brought her an Easel and art supplies.

He brought her an Easy-bake oven, cooking utensils, an apron and a chef's hat.

He brought her a train.

Santa brought Fiona a backpack.

Santa brought her a Greetings From Asbury Park t-shirt.

And he he got her a sled... now if it would only snow a little.

I guess I avoided the naughty list, because I received a few gifts myself. Fiona gave me the Onion's Page a day calendar, Amy gave me the new Beck CD. And Mom Z gave me the most awesome Christmas any son-in-law could possibly ask for: A bottle of Woodford Reserve Whisky!

Santa was very good to Amy also, she got a Yoga DVD and she got Amy Sedaris' "I like you: Hospitality under the Influence" book.

Mom Z also got a visit from St. Nick. He brought her a crucifix for her new home.

We had a wonderful Christmas Morning and we are looking forward to spending the rest of the day relaxing with our family in Reading, Celebrating Aunt Louise's birthday, and of course, watching the Eagles play the Cowboys. I do hope that the icing on the Christmas Cake is a big win for the Eagles.

Peace be with you all.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Rudolph

Last week, I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remembered why I hate it so much. The only good thing is that Burl Ives sings in it, but even that is countered by the fact that he holds a banjo, but there is no banjo music. Whatever.

Any way, I decided to re-release the interview I did with Rudolph a few years ago.

This was originally published in Smokin' Dog, Volume III, Issue 5, November/December 2000. I hope you enjoy.

INTERVIEW WITH RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Last week, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer came over for dinner and to be interviewed.
During the interview I found out some thingst that I later wished I hadn't (he's been to the Betty Ford Clinic several times, he's thrice divorced) and some things which, quite frankly, shocked the hell out of me (graduated Suma Cul Laude from Yale and he once had his name legally changed to Rudolph X). All in all it as been a roller-caster ride for one of Christmas' most popular icons.
So here it is, the interview with the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (I have taken te liberty to remove all expletives.)

SMOKIN' DOG: There has been a lot of specuation about yor childhood not being a happy one. Tell me about it.
RUDOLPH: Well, it wasn't a happy one at all. My parents, especially my father, were very ashamed of me. He made that abundantly clear. He would cover my nose with coal so that people couldn't see it. I was his only son and he was ashamed of me. And then he'd yell at my mother telling her it was her fault... because she drank when she was pregnant with me. But that was his fault as well. he was a speed freak. He was on coke all the time, I mean, he was the lead puller and all.

SD: How about the infamous flying tryouts?
R: Well it's all right there on tape. I flew further than anyone else, and I got cut because of my nose. I mean, what the hell is up with that? My nose has nothing to do with my ability to fly.

SD: But you did lead the sleigh later. Was that a bittersweet victory?
R: Hell no. The only reason I lead the sleigh was because they could exploit my freakish quality. I mean do y ou honestly think they would have let me lead the sleigh if I didn't have the nose? And when I did lead the sleigh, you hear my dad singing a different tune. He was all "That's my son!! That's MY son!" Two days earlier he verbally abused me to the point that I decided to run away and now he's proud of me?

SD: Why did you run away?
R: Well, I got to the point where i just wanted to kill. I mean I wanted them dead, but I am not a violent person, so I removed myself from the situation.

SD: Ket's talke about Santa a little. Do you have issues with him?
R: Yes I do. For starters, he doesn't pay his people what they are worth. He works them elves ten hours a day six days a week at starvation wages. He owns the company store and all the houses that the elves are required to rent. All the wages he pays them, he takes right back. And if they miss one day of work, he docks them a week's wages... Santa is a very greedy bastard, he's aobut one thing and one thing only: money, money, and more money. And that guy is worth well over $100 Billion. He's got that sweet deal with Coca-Cola, he's got deals with every single company, and he's got a contract with every mall and department store in America.

SD: But he does good works, right? I mean he gives to the rich and poor alike.
R: Yeah, but it's all about image. Image is everything to that jerk. He ain't out there giving the poor kids the PlayStations and the rich kids the misfit toys. He gives the poor kids the crappy toys.

SD: How about the working conditions?
R: Horrible. I tried like mad to unionize that place, but I couldn't get enough people to stand together. I mean, a strike on December 24 would have shut that place down, man. Do you know how much potential for power there is for the elves on Christmas Eve? They could cancel Christmas if they wanted, but any time there is a Union talk around the shop, Santa comes in and throws them a couple of bucks and that quells the uprising...And it's even worse for the Reindeer. We're expendable. There are literally tens of thousands of deer out there...The reindeer fly around the world, the entire world, in one night. Santa goes home and has a nice meal and goes to sleep for ten days in his huge bed. Do you know what the reindeer get? An apple, some carrots and wool blanket in the stable. Do you know how incredibly cold it gets at the North Pole in the middle of winter?

There isn't anything eles to really report. He went off about the pressures of being the only reindeer in the world with his own song adn how the other deer can't handle the pressure, etc. etc. That part of the interview was so laden with foul language that I couldn't even put it into a coherent sentence.

He did have one parting thing to say: He does hope that everone in the world has a very Merry Christmas.