Rudolph

Last week, I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remembered why I hate it so much. The only good thing is that Burl Ives sings in it, but even that is countered by the fact that he holds a banjo, but there is no banjo music. Whatever.

Any way, I decided to re-release the interview I did with Rudolph a few years ago.

This was originally published in Smokin' Dog, Volume III, Issue 5, November/December 2000. I hope you enjoy.

INTERVIEW WITH RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Last week, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer came over for dinner and to be interviewed.
During the interview I found out some thingst that I later wished I hadn't (he's been to the Betty Ford Clinic several times, he's thrice divorced) and some things which, quite frankly, shocked the hell out of me (graduated Suma Cul Laude from Yale and he once had his name legally changed to Rudolph X). All in all it as been a roller-caster ride for one of Christmas' most popular icons.
So here it is, the interview with the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (I have taken te liberty to remove all expletives.)

SMOKIN' DOG: There has been a lot of specuation about yor childhood not being a happy one. Tell me about it.
RUDOLPH: Well, it wasn't a happy one at all. My parents, especially my father, were very ashamed of me. He made that abundantly clear. He would cover my nose with coal so that people couldn't see it. I was his only son and he was ashamed of me. And then he'd yell at my mother telling her it was her fault... because she drank when she was pregnant with me. But that was his fault as well. he was a speed freak. He was on coke all the time, I mean, he was the lead puller and all.

SD: How about the infamous flying tryouts?
R: Well it's all right there on tape. I flew further than anyone else, and I got cut because of my nose. I mean, what the hell is up with that? My nose has nothing to do with my ability to fly.

SD: But you did lead the sleigh later. Was that a bittersweet victory?
R: Hell no. The only reason I lead the sleigh was because they could exploit my freakish quality. I mean do y ou honestly think they would have let me lead the sleigh if I didn't have the nose? And when I did lead the sleigh, you hear my dad singing a different tune. He was all "That's my son!! That's MY son!" Two days earlier he verbally abused me to the point that I decided to run away and now he's proud of me?

SD: Why did you run away?
R: Well, I got to the point where i just wanted to kill. I mean I wanted them dead, but I am not a violent person, so I removed myself from the situation.

SD: Ket's talke about Santa a little. Do you have issues with him?
R: Yes I do. For starters, he doesn't pay his people what they are worth. He works them elves ten hours a day six days a week at starvation wages. He owns the company store and all the houses that the elves are required to rent. All the wages he pays them, he takes right back. And if they miss one day of work, he docks them a week's wages... Santa is a very greedy bastard, he's aobut one thing and one thing only: money, money, and more money. And that guy is worth well over $100 Billion. He's got that sweet deal with Coca-Cola, he's got deals with every single company, and he's got a contract with every mall and department store in America.

SD: But he does good works, right? I mean he gives to the rich and poor alike.
R: Yeah, but it's all about image. Image is everything to that jerk. He ain't out there giving the poor kids the PlayStations and the rich kids the misfit toys. He gives the poor kids the crappy toys.

SD: How about the working conditions?
R: Horrible. I tried like mad to unionize that place, but I couldn't get enough people to stand together. I mean, a strike on December 24 would have shut that place down, man. Do you know how much potential for power there is for the elves on Christmas Eve? They could cancel Christmas if they wanted, but any time there is a Union talk around the shop, Santa comes in and throws them a couple of bucks and that quells the uprising...And it's even worse for the Reindeer. We're expendable. There are literally tens of thousands of deer out there...The reindeer fly around the world, the entire world, in one night. Santa goes home and has a nice meal and goes to sleep for ten days in his huge bed. Do you know what the reindeer get? An apple, some carrots and wool blanket in the stable. Do you know how incredibly cold it gets at the North Pole in the middle of winter?

There isn't anything eles to really report. He went off about the pressures of being the only reindeer in the world with his own song adn how the other deer can't handle the pressure, etc. etc. That part of the interview was so laden with foul language that I couldn't even put it into a coherent sentence.

He did have one parting thing to say: He does hope that everone in the world has a very Merry Christmas.